I heard this phrase for the first time a couple of days ago while listening to a radio programme in the car. The show was already in progress, so I had to listen carefully to understand what it was about. It turned out that the participants were all people who were at various stages in recovery from cancer and during treatment they had all experience people speaking positively to them, when their situation was anything but positive. Rather than the positivity being an encouragement to them, it had precisely the opposite effect. When they wanted colleagues, friends, and family to understand how tough things were, they were on the receiving end of glib comments like, ‘You’ll be fine,’ or ‘You’ll get through it.’

I’m sure those who made these kinds of comments were well-meaning, but the reality was that they were not listening attentively to their friends, nor were they coming alongside them to empathise. When someone was needed to unload to about the struggles being faced, all that was received was toxic positivity. There could be many reasons for this, such as an emotional incapacity to cope with listening to such serious life issues because in their own lives they have seen this scenario play out with a parent, or spouse, so no judgment is necessarily implied. But the effect was the same on the receiver.

I found this such an insightful conversation to listen to, and it made me realise that positivity is not always what people are looking for. (It should be said that negativity is not what they are looking for either!) The way to encourage those who are needing to unload is not always to say anything at all, but to listen, and to let them know that they have been heard and understood. It also taught me that positivity, where that is at best a dubious response, and at worst a completely unrealistic response, is not something that helps. Rather it has a toxic effect on the person receiving it, leaving them feeling worse than if nothing at all had been said.

While this overheard conversation on the radio was about those who have experienced cancer, the idea of ‘toxic positivity’ has a much wider application. Indeed, it relates to any situation where people are struggling – with parents or children, work relationships or studies, health or finance, and much else – and rather than the seriousness of their situation being understood and respected, they receive a version of the ‘You’ll get through it,’ response.

In my own context of the church, I often wonder about what I perceive to be overly positive attitudes towards the future. The next revival is just around the corner. The church is on the cusp of growth, even in the face of the latest Scottish census figures about those who have any faith commitment, Christian or other. Now on the global level, it is true that the church is growing, and that is to be welcomed and embraced. But in the ‘developed,’ ‘Western’ world this is not true, and must be recognised. Without a realistic assessment of where we are, positivity can be toxic, leading to disillusionment.

I am grateful for having overheard this radio conversation. It has made me more aware of the dangers of shallow listening for those who need serious engagement with their situation. And it has given me a concept to apply to a much wider set of circumstances that I need to beware of in my own personal and ecclesial situation.